Lessons in Building Trust & Avoiding That ICKY Feeling

By Anthony Poponi, Founder, Focus on the 40

Growing up on the Jersey Shore, I have memories cavorting up and down the boardwalks of Ocean City and Atlantic City, gorging on pizza, having Skee-Ball competitions, and devouring all the sweet stuff like funnel cakes and ice cream. And the bigger the serving, the better it was to enjoy.

Unfortunately, the human brain doesn’t dole out assurance in large dollops like ice cream. We might like to fast-track trust with other people, but it’s often only distributed in single-serving tasting spoons. That is both risky and rewarding.

There are two reasons we don’t trust people: 1) We don’t know them, and 2) we do.

As noted, developing trust with others happens in drops, which come in the form of small behaviors and actions delivered repeatedly over time. Building proficiency and delivering with consistency, being dependable, focusing on others, and saying what needs to be said are all ways to earn someone’s trust. That makes us feel good—it’s the reward.

In the presence of people we know and trust, oxytocin flows, making us feel connected and calming our brains. The human brain, when in a positive state, is up to 31% more productive than when anxious. But to get to “know” someone, you must each demonstrate trustworthiness over time.

On the other hand, there’s a risky side to trust. We’ve likely all felt its absence to varying degrees. Maybe you know someone who is unreliable or not concerned about their impact on others. In the past, I’ve been burned by trusting the untrustworthy, and I let it go. But you need to think about that person’s impact on both you and your team.

When someone is untrustworthy, you spend bandwidth worrying about whether they’ll follow through on their commitments, use acquired information against you or others, or say whatever they deem necessary to further their individual agenda.

It feels ICKY, and that’s something you can’t ignore, especially if you’re a leader in an organization. This acronym stands for I Can’t Keep You, and it provides clear guidance on what you need to do if you come across this situation. Knowing someone on your team isn’t trustworthy and leaving it be can undermine teamwork, accountability, and, ultimately, results. But when trust is built and then actively maintained, efficiency soars. You give more to your work—and get back more from it in return.

Originally published in the 2026 special edition of CU Edge